How To Build Independence At Every Age

Babies and kids are like sponges, ready to take in and try out everything. Even at a few months old, they’re testing their capabilities—and that’s a good thing!



Here, Lily Donate, director of Paché Montessori School in NYC, takes us through the Montessori approach, what it looks like at home, and shares how parents can start building age-appropriate independence for babies, toddlers, and little kids. 

How would you describe the key tenets of the Montessori approach?

It’s based on science and neuroscience. It’s not just a philosophy or way of thinking–it’s really based on how the brain is wired. There’s also such a huge respect for the child, which means we don’t have to tick the boxes of ‘The child is six months, they should be doing this otherwise there’s a problem.” We allow the child to master the aspects of their development at their own pace. We just have to follow the child, trust the process, and see how we can support each child as they develop in different ways. 

In traditional education in general, we are very product obsessed whereas Montessori is like ‘How do we get there?’

For babies, what is a simple Montessori-inspired routine that families can do at home?

Clothing has a lot of impact. There should be no restriction of movement, so for a child who is starting to crawl, you can make sure the toes and feet are uncovered. They can have a grasp and feel, and really practice the movement of going back and forth. 

You also want them to feel comfortable and give them opportunity, so fastening and closing should be easy. At one year,  they’re starting to fight diapering and don’t want to lay down anymore, because they now have this capability to move, and have this independence in their body. So you have clothing that allows them to participate in pulling down their pants by themselves so you can do diapering standing up, because they can actually help in that. So clothing is very important at this age, because you want to continue the partnership with them, but you have to understand where they’re at, how they can help and then how you can support their independence.

Why is Montessori play important for babies? What are the skills it develops?

There is a lot of respect for the child and dignity given to children, so there is a lot of freedom of movement. We make sure we have an environment that is free of obstacles. We don’t just bring things and put things in a baby’s hand. We always give them a little space between what they can reach and what the object is so they can practice reaching and grasping. Every adult in the world has an instinct to be like ‘Oh, here it is!’ But then that’s removing the whole point of the process—that they actually want to practice reaching.

Now for toddlers! How can you start promoting their independence at home?

You can have a set-up at the entrance of your house with a little chair and a little shelf with just a couple of shoes—sneakers, sandals, rain boots. Then your child can make the independent choice of what shoes they want to wear, so they’re empowered in the choices. If you have ten pairs of shoes, your child will never be able to choose. You give them small choices, empower them, and work with them. 

A lot of Montessori is how to help a child blossom as a person, as an individual, with all of their egocentric needs, but within a community. How do I do things for myself, but also for others? And that starts at home.

What are good age appropriate tasks for a 2-4yo to be part of that household community?

They can help water the plants and feed the animals. They can set up their own table, get their own plates and cups as long as they’re accessible. They can serve themselves food, pour their own water, participate in making dinner. The dishwasher is a great one–loading and unloading. They have this urge to be involved while testing their physical capabilities, while still doing something for the community.

How can parents encourage toddlers to dress themselves without frustration? 

If you have ten pairs of shoes, put seven in the closet so they can’t see. Have only what’s appropriate out, and clothing is the same. Have a smaller shelf with three t-shirts and two pants, so you let them make the choice. You offer smaller choices and let them prepare their outfits in the evening so it can be part of the bedtime routine. 

What should parents know about toddler behavior that’s often misunderstood?

It’s called ‘the emergence of the ego.’ It’s when they realize they’re strong enough and their voice has an impact on the people around them depending on how they use it, and it’s very overwhelming. They understand they have an impact on their close community, so that’s why they start to say ‘no’ to everything. The reason they say no is because it’s so overwhelming, they feel so many things, but they don’t have control over much. They’d rather say ‘no’ to everything to see where the boundaries are so they can feel safe. A child saying ‘no’ is actually just saying ‘help me,’ and they usually do it way more with their parents because you’re their safest space.